A fairy tale gone to hell:  DER RIESE
by Sob98
Summary: three little pigs porker ham and bacon go to germany for jobs but accidentally get sucked into a tele porter to the past with zombies and your favorite black ops zombie killers .rated m for themes and strong language.


Authors note: I do not own call of duty or black ops or zombies or any of the refrences made in the story, I do however own the creativity and creation of this fanfict. This is my first one ever so please review. Thanx- sob98

"Porker!" a loud voice shouted startling Porker and waking him up, "We're here, now get up!"

"Don't be so hard on him, he hasn't done anything wrong yet, Kevin."

Kevin turned around and smacked Ham between the eyes.

"I am sick of me, fuckin' telling you to call me Bacon!"

"Alright, alright," Ham said angrily as he rubbed his snout. "Violence isn't the option though."

Porker, looking pissed as all hell finally spoke up.

"Guys", he stated calmly. Then he said in that special voice of his, "Get your donkeys moving now, damn you!"

Immediately they stopped. Bacon looked as if he might shit a brick. Ham, who was on the verge of tears, stopped talking. They all got out of the car and started to look for jobs. As they entered the town of Breslau, somewhere near Berlin, they saw a huge building that looked like a modernized fantasy that only the makers of Tron could have dreamed of. As they got closer, they saw that part-time help was wanted at the factory that was hosting a Science Convention.

"We could work there," Porker said full of excitement.

"Well," Ham started, but stopped once he saw how nervous Bacon looked.

Ham and Bacon exchanged glances and nodded in silent agreement. It was best not to disagree with Porker at a time like this.

"Okay," Ham said after a long silence.

They pulled up to the factory and went inside. They were greeted by the droning voice of someone who sounded bored out of their mind, repeating over the intercom where each exhibit was located.

"Excuse me sir," Ham asked a nearby security guard. "My brothers and I are here for the part-time job opportunities. Is there someone who we can talk to about the jobs?"

The guard eyed them curiously then said in an unsure voice, "I'm in charge of stuff like that. Are you sure you want these jobs?"

"Yes, we are sure of it," Bacon said in a slightly panicked voice while nervously glancing back to Porker.

"When do we get started?" Porker asked in a cool and collected voice.

"Tomorrow at 7 am, and oh, this job is for three days and I will give you your uniforms tomorrow," said the security guard.

"This is going to be great!" Porker yelled out in excitement.

Three days later…"This job fuckin' stunk literally", Porker muttered out loud as he counted the money he and his brothers just received while still wearing their janitor clothes. They were in the break room and about to return their uniforms.

"Actually, it wasn't as bad as I…," Ham stated before falling face first after tripping on something under the carpet, "expecccceeeteeed! Oooohhh fuck!"

"Are you okay bro?" Bacon asked as he and Porker helped Ham, still dazed, back onto his feet.

"Yeah, I'm fine," replied Ham.

"What happened?" Bacon inquired.

"I tripped over something that is under the carpet," Ham answered.

"I wonder," Porker thought to himself. Suddenly, he got up and tore off the carpet.

"Porker, what the hell are you do-…" Ham's voice trailed off as he noticed a shiny silver ring attached to the floorboards.

"It's a trap door," Porker said as he noticed Ham and Bacon were mesmerized by it.

"Well, no shit Sherlock," they both said in disgust.

"Thank you Captain Obvious," Ham said.

"You're fucking welcome, Sergeant Sarcasm," Porker retorted. He then added, "Shut up and get the fuck over here and open it now, damn you," he said once again in his special voice. The blood chilled in the veins of Bacon who went over almost immediately and opened it. With an eerie creak the door opened and the trio went down into the darkness that engulfed them as they closed the door shut.

"Does anyone have a light?" Ham asked.

"I have a flashlight app on my I-Phone," Bacon replied.

"It will do," Ham said with a heavy sigh.

"Look for a switch or a handle or something like this," Porker responded as he pulled a switch he found on the wall.

"Yes, like that," Ham said annoyed.

They blinked from the sudden change of light and when their eyes finally adjusted to the light they found out why the door was kept a secret, out of sight and out of mind; inside hundreds upon hundreds of Nazi swastikas littered the floor, dried blood coated the walls, and Nazi tapestries hung from the once elegant ceilings. There were also three curious contraptions that appeared to still be functional. They were all slack jawed and each one had something different to say.

" Omg," Ham said.

Bacon shouted, "What The fuck!"

"BBQ," Porker finished.

They all stepped onto the contraptions and being the klutz that Porker was, he accidentally had hit a button that set off a switch on the side of the machines. They disappeared in a hallucinogenic flash of colors and lightening.

The silent sounds of night had settled in around Der Riese. You could hear the crickets, the water falling like a silent yet majestic waterfall, the moaning of zombies, and the gun shooting of survivors. There were four of them, a former Japanese officer who cares intensely about his honor. He will kill anything or anybody to preserve it. The marine whose only thoughts are about women, guns and blowing stuff up. The stereotypical Russian who always carries a bottle of real vodka with him wherever he goes. No, it's not the Grey Goose kind or anything similar, it's the hardest liquor in the world. For some reason, the more vodka he drinks the better he gets better with his accuracy. Then there is the doctor, the sadistic manic who wheels a bowie knife and loves to cut open his patients. He is a former Nazi scientist but now that he has gone mad, he has a great sense of disturbing humor without being like Mel Gibson.

"Click, click!" The sound announced that there was no ammo left for Nikolai's gun. "Hmm" he said, "I have vodka, … BUT NO FUCKING AMMO!" he spat angrily as he took another swig from his bottle. He proceeded to slice the zombies with one of his broken vodka bottles which he kept in his bag as well full bottles of vodka.

"Getting low on ammo here," Dempsey the American yelled.

"No, No, I'm not ready for hell," Dr. Richtofen shouted. "I have nothing to wear."

"We need a nuke or a max ammo if we are to send these demons back to hell!", Takeo the Japanese announced. Suddenly, the sound of the teleporter is heard and a perk was dropped. "Kaboom". The round ends and everyone hits the box.

"Ah wunderbar," said Richtofen gleefully said as he rushed to pack a punch his Wunderwaffel DG-2. Suddenly, he stops in front of the teleporters. "Oh my what do we have here," he sadistically went into a fit of manic laughter. He points the gun at Ham. "Vhere are you from?" Richtofen asks.

"The future," Porker replies.

"BULLSHIT!" Richtofen said. Then, with the DG-2 Wunderwaffel still aimed at them, he calls out to Dempsey, "we need to get Nikolai and Takeo over hear schnille!" After numerous minutes of explaining, something remarkable strikes Bacon funny. "Richtofen," he thinks to himself, "where have I heard that name before?" Then, it hits him.

"You are Takeo, Richtofen, Nikolai and Dempsey right?" said Bacon.

"How do vey know?" Richtofen asks Dempsey.

"You are on my I-phone game," Bacon replies as he shows them his I-phone.

"HOLY SHIT BALLS!" Dempsey said flabbergasted. "They really are from the future."

"We need to get back to our current time, can you help us?" Porker asked.

"Also by my calculations, since we are back in the past...," Ham said, then stopped."

"T-T-Today junior," Bacon said annoyed.

"Well," Ham continued, "we have about 24 hours to get home or else we will have destroyed the space time continual and we'll all die.

"Well, that may be a problem, but I have an idea that might work," Richtofen said. "You three will have to go to the teleporters and I will use the DG-2 to send you all ahead to the future."

"We have a problem here," Dempsey announced as he saw a hoard of Zombies rushing towards them.

"Okay, lets do this shit," Porker said. "LEEEERRRRRROOOOOYYYYYY JEEEEENNNNNKKKIIINNNNNNSSSSS!" Porker yelled. "I love this gun, the Galille is the best weapon ever," Porker announced.

"Was he dropped on his head as a child?" Dempsey asked.

"Probably," Ham replied as he took the dual wield CZ75's out of the box.

"Ah,this weapon is most honorable," Takeo exclaimed as he pulled out the FN Fall.

"Takeo takes a FN FAIL just like he is!" Nikolai chuckled.

"Bah knifes," Ricktofen grumbled as he pulled out the ballistic knives. Then he smiled evilly and put the smaller knife in his pocket and combined the ballistic knife with his bowie knife. "I will bathe naked in their blood!" said like a madman. Everyone backed away from him very slowly.

"So, doc," Dempsey asked breaking the awkward silence that surrounded the group. "What do we need to send these guys home?"

"Ah, it quite simple Dempsey, " Ricktofen answered. "First we need to hook up all zee perk machines to every teleporter and zee mainframe, then we need to fire an M1911 across bow with explosive bullets, my lovely DG-2 and zee ray gun all at the same time into the zee perk machines that have been carried and hooked up right next to each teleporter. One must go to the mainframe. Each weapon must be pack a punched first. Each teleporter plus zee mainframe reacts differently with each perk. So, here's what we do. Juggernog at the mainframe with the DG2 pack a punched, quick revive near the teleporter by the power area with the M1911 pack a punch, speed cola by the animal testing center with pack a punch cross bow and my favorite," he says taking in a deep breath, "double tap root beer, a double tap, double tap, double tap, double tap, double tap, double tap, double tap, double tap root beer combined with the last teleporter and ray gun also pack a punched. Any questions?" he asked the group. Everyone stared at him with their mouths wide open. "Wunderbar, lets get started!" Ricktofen ordered.

"First lets take care of these zombies," Dempsey yells as he fires a burst of his commando into a zombie exploding its head.

"Boom goes the corpses," Richtofen sung as he raced past Dempsey slicing heads off like a butcher.

"Weird," Dempsey muttered.

"Can this be the DG-3, that's just for me?" Richtofen asks himself as he pulls it out of the Pack a Punch and fires. "Why yes, why yes it is for …me!," as he laughed and put one of his creepy as all hell smiles on his face as the gun electrocuted and killed a good 20 or so zombies.

"Ok, I think that was the last of them for now," Ham said.

"Ah good, now Nikolai, Dempsey, go get Juggernog and bring it to zee mainframe," Richtofen said simply. Ten minutes later …. "And there we go," Ricktofen said as he hooked it up to the mainframe.

"One down, three to go," Bacon announced. "Hold on folks, it ain't over yet," as Bacon placed his gun on a hoard of zombies on the horizon.

"It show time!" Nikolai said as he took out his bottle taking another swig of vodka.

"Lets do this thing honorably," Takeo, said.

"Zee need to hook up zee quick revive to zee teleporter, also who will pack a punch the M1911? Richtofen asks.

"Dat would be me," Nikolai answers in a drunken voice as he pack a punches his pistol and gets the "Mustang and Sally".

"Huh," Bacon sneers. "What's so good about – holy SHIT!, " he says as he dives out of the way to avoid the dual wield grenade shots of the pistols, which happen to explode behind him.

"You annoy me or touch me, I kill you, sounds like fair trade." Nikolai mused.

"Lets stop jerking around," Porker whined "and get the machine hooked up. "I want to kill those hundred or so zombies over there that are running right towards us." Nikolai, still drunk off the vodka he drank moments ago, turned around and fired a whole clip of ammo at them. When the smoke cleared, all that was left were eighteen or so crawlers. Bacon and Ham quickly disposed of them.

"You were saying?' Nikolai asked.

Before Porker could respond, Richtofen interrupted by screaming, "Blood!" he gasped. "The beautiful blood!" He then proceeded to swim and bathe fully clothed in the pool of blood that was present. Everyone stopped talking for a moment and just stared at him. When he finished bathing, he came out with crazed looking eyes and blood everywhere.

"Nikolai turned to him and said, "Did you enjoy bathing in the blood that I have made?"

Porker, slightly annoyed because he was going to kill the zombies, was now fully aggravated because Nikolai had stolen the spotlight from him. He then said in his special voice, "You and Richtofen hook up the quick revive machine now, damn you!" Nicolai dropped his bottle of vodka, something he never would normally do, and went directly to the machine to hook it up with Richtofen, who was gleefully skipping along next to him, still dripping blood from his clothing.

Five minutes later…."its done," Nikolai announced in a shaky voice.

"Good," Porker replied coolly. "Two down, two to go."

"Looks like we have more zombies on hand, "Dempsey remarked as the undead Nazi drew near.

"Next up Speed Cola, the drink of champions of those that have honor, "Takeo said proudly.

"Ok," Richtofen said. "For zis one, we need to hook up Speed Cola to the animal testing facility's teleporter and, we also need a pack a punched ray gun."  
>"With the honorable weapon of this nature, I would gladly do it," Takeo answered.<p>

"Ooh, I want to see what happens when you fire it. I've never seen a pack a punch ray gun before," Bacon said excitedly as Takeo put the ray gun inside the machine and pulled it out when the machine had finished. Takeo fired the Porters 2X ray gun and the lasers came out red. The same color was on the floor and walls as Takeo killed every last undead Nazi zombie at the time. "That was jizzerific!" Bacon said. Everyone helped move Speed Cola to the animal testing facility, which took approximately thirty minutes since it was so far away, and hooked it up.

"Well," Ham said out of breath, "only one more to go."

"Double tap root beer!" Richtofen yelled as he broke the sound barrier. "The zee last one zat ve need is double tap root beer with pack a punch cross bow and the teleporter nearby it."

"I like things that explode so I guess that means me," Dempsey stated.

"What will happen to the cross bow when Dempsey pack a punches it?" Ham asks Nikolai.

"Zombies get attracted to the red glowing tip it has and will explode into a million pieces," Nikolai responded and pulled out his vodka and started drinking again for the umpteenth time. Dempsey takes out the new "Awful Lawton" and kills all the zombies that had just risen from their graves, runs over to double tap, hooks it up, and asks Richtofen what they need to do next.

"Zit is time," Richtofen announced. "Lets end this." Richtofen instructed that everyone needed to kill the surrounding zombies. It took about twenty minutes and two tons of ammunition to finally eradicate all the remaining zombie ranks. "On my command, everyone must first reload their weapons and let me know when you are ready."

"Ok, I'm reloaded!" Porker yelled. Everyone else follows suit. They killed the last of the resisting zombies and remaining crawlers, and went to their designated spots. Richtofen is at the mainframe with his DG-3 and Juggernog. Takeo, still carrying his Porters 2X ray gun, goes with Ham to the teleporter in the animal testing center. Bacon and Dempsey go to the teleporter near where Quick Revive was located. Finally, the scared as all hell Nikolai, still carrying his Mustang and Sally, went to the teleporter that was connected to Double Tap, with the otherwise calm Porker.

"On zee count of three," Richtofen announced, "a one, a two, a three," everyone fired their weapon into the perk machines and Richtofen pushes the button near the mainframe. Suddenly, everyone was teleported to the future, well sort of. What Richtofen didn't realize is that the teleporters needed to have 88 Gigawatts of power to get back to the future. The teleporters only had 85. Although they did go to the future, they only went ahead twenty or so years, not to the present day. They all landed on their feet and looked at their surroundings. They noticed that were inside a theatre and they heard loud moans. They also saw Nazi tapestries hanging from the ceilings.

"Richtofen, where the FUCK are we?" Dempsey asked angrily.

"Nien!" Richtofen shouted angrily. "We have all lost our weapons because of the time warp and now we have to do this whole process over again. Unfortunately, this kind of teleporter needs 115 samples of meteors that are hidden throughout this facility. This place was also a secret Nazi laboratory and was called "Keno". It was disguised as a theatre. "Keno" was also abandoned because it had a problem with," Richtofen said then paused as the group heard loud moans from the distance. All the doors were locked, there was no power and the only way to open them was with a secret passcode. There were also seven, silver, regular M1911's lying on the floor. Up the staircases that lead to the locked door, was a curiously drawn shape of a rifle. Downstairs, was another strangely chalked outline of a shotgun on the wall.

"Here we go again," Porker announced as he cocked his pistol back.


End file.
